A post about failed adoption

Whenever I talk about our failed adoption, I know people can't understand what we went through.  I know I've said it was just like a miscarriage, but this post sums it up almost perfectly.  You know I don't have a way with words, so I am really glad someone else could articulate it better than I could.  The only thing I would emphasize is that I still love the parents and I completely respect their choice and I would have made the same choice if I was in their shoes.  It's still hard not knowing what he looks like and I wonder what they named him.  

The loss of Sweet Potato was 20 times harder than the loss of our potential son. Sweet Potato was in my arms for a full year.  The whole time thinking he would be our forever son.  That is just soul crushing, but I am so so so grateful to be on the path we are now and to have the most beautiful son and birthparents forever in our lives.  God had a plan and he knew that Bear was perfect for us. 

If you are currently on this journey and don't believe in God, then trust fate. 

Meeting HIM

Like I've said before, I have lots of super artistic friends. And when my cousin couldn't make it to the hospital when we met Bear, our friend willingly stepped in. 

I am so happy to have these first moments of meeting our son. 

Yes, I know it looks like I am going to eat him. 

I guess when I am super excited my jaw line goes wonky.  

(side note, Pumpkin made the same face when she held Bear for the first time)

 We were truly in awe.

He is perfect in every way.  I mean, just absolutely precious. We couldn't be more grateful to the bparents for giving us our son. 

I soaked in every ounce of him. 

His cheeks are amazingly soft.

His smell is the best and really should be bottled. 

Compared to the rest of his tiny self, he had HUGE feet. 

He was born to play soccer. 

After the bparents were discharged we were warned we were going to be moved into the breast feeding room.  They brought in a dinner they had made for bmom and we happily ate it. 

This is our room.  No joke.  The nurses were really great to us and felt HORRIBLE that they had to put us in here.  They were overflowing with deliveries because of the heatwave.  Everyone went in labor due to dehydration.  They had to put new parents on other floors. So there truly was no place else for us to go.  And I really am so thankful that they let us stay.  We would have slept in the middle of the hallway if they didn't have somewhere to put us. 

Soon after we settled in our room we facechatted with the girls and they met their brother. 

Isn't technology amazing.  I really think it's magic. 

Right now, I am crying just looking at this and looking at him.  

I can't believe it.  I know this journey brought us here just in the right time and path God intended. But I just can't believe that HE IS MY SON!  Everything I ever hoped for cuddled up in one little blanket.  So perfect in every way.  There is nothing better or more amazing than being a mother.  And I praise God that He didn't think our family should stop at 2. 

 I know every other sentence on here is about how grateful I am.  

But can we please talk about my best friend Shannon.  

We obviously didn't think we would be sleeping on the floor.  

She brought up my sleeping bag (The Hubs thought he would be able to sleep in the rocking chair and flat out refused to have her bring up his.  Even though I said she should bring it just in case.  He refused...men) and pillow, and lots of treats. 

Also, you are not supposed to have any family or friends meet your child before parental rights are terminated.  I ignored this rule, well honestly I forgot.  I think my brain went into total shock and was on an emotional shut down.  Regardless, if they decided to parent we would have wanted the support of our family and friends.  Maybe the rule was to protect their feelings... whatever, it didn't happen.

And we settled for the night, well at least about every other hour until Bear or a nurse woke us up. 

He's here!!!!!

Our son "Bear" is here!!! This has been the most stressful week of my life!  The Hubs said it's the second most stressful, the only week that beats it being Pumpkin's birth and my near death.

Our bmom was induced a few weeks early and we were in heaven.  Our meeting was great and we were reassured. We are so in love with them and were so excited to meet our son.  The plan was to go up to the hospital once it was clear labor was close.  I called our foster agency to tell them we needed respite with the possibility of placement of Petunia; but we were going to give our 30 days notice after the 72 hours were up.  We got the ultimate shock when our social worker told us we had to decide right now.  Lose Petunia to anther foster home within the hour if we accept the private adoption or keep Petunia and call off the private adoption.  This was not our plan. We did not know the county worker could be so heartless. Then we get a call from bdad telling us they didn't want us to come to the hospital today.  I understood but getting the news that Petunia could be moved forever within the hour and then getting this FREAKED ME OUT! I thought we were going to end up losing two babies in one day.  It was not bdad's job to reassure me, but he did.  He said they wanted the day to rest and just be them.  I really really get it, but I really really thought they were going to decide to parent.  We had to chose.  The Hubs called the county worker and explained the situation that we won't know until 72 hours after the birth if he is our son or not.  She called our foster agency to discuss it more.  They then called us with the same thing. Chose.  I had a full blown panic attack.  We were so in love with the birth parents and wanted them in our lives.  We wanted to be done with the constant worrying and wondering. But we didn't know if they would actually place or parent.  I couldn't decide.  It was making me sick.  The hubs said without a shadow of a doubt, private adoption.  We could lose Petunia any second for any reason.  Any stranger could step forward, just like Sweet Potato.  Obviously I am so grateful to have such a solid rock in my life.  We told our foster agency and they straight up no joke took Petunia from my MIL's within the hour.  I was not prepared physically or mentally for this.  It was awful.  They were trying to find a reason to write us up.  And had the nerve to say to The Hubs, "because of this we would have a hard time considering you for any future placements."   Now they have threatened us with this in the past because I needed the case worker to take our foster child to a birth parent visit.  It was completely uncalled for.  They told us we didn't have enough clothing... Yeah, no kidding there was only enough for 4 days. We didn't have her bear, or piggy bank. etc.  We were not expecting her to leave like that.  Everything about the situation completely turned us off.  And without a shadow of doubt, we will not be renewing our foster license (which was only 2 hours of classes away, due at the end of the month).  We are PISSED with how this was handled.  PISSED! So I cried all day. My eyes were swollen.  We put all of our faith in the Lord.

The next morning we were waiting and staring at my phone waiting for an update.  I literally wouldn't let my phone go to sleep.  I didn't want to miss a text.  Finally we got it.  We were told to come up and meet Bear.  All of the weight of the world was lifted off.  They allowed a friend to take our pictures of our first meeting and I am SOOOOO GRATEFUL for them to allow it and for my friend to do it.  I was so at ease.  I was so in love.  He is crazy beautiful. It was amazing.  They let us hold him the whole time until they were discharged. They said goodbyes and everything was perfect...until we were moved into the breast feeding "room" more like a closet. I couldn't care less. I would have slept in the middle of the hallway as long as they let us keep our son with us.  We had a long night without a tv or window to look at all we did was watch our son and stare at our phones.   I knew the birthmom was having a hard time and it KILLED me.  Adoption really is the hardest thing.  Your joy and blessing is someone else's loss and heartache.  I really wish I could have carried all of their pain for them.  It wasn't until the morning that our adoption worker called and said they were second guessing their decision.  My heart fell.  I knew they needed to come to the decision they felt was right for them and for him.  But I was once again freaking out.  Bmom and bdad came up for a visit.  I am SOOOO happy they did. Our fears were put to rest.  They reassured us they knew adoption was the path they needed to take.  I can't say this enough... we are so blessed to have them in our lives.  Our visit was great.  They held him the whole time they were there.

We had a couple of friends come and visit, thank the lord because that room was awful.  The nurses thankfully snuck us into a private shower for the doctors.  I am so happy they did.  I get funky quick and have to shower EVERY day.  I wish I was the person who could go days without washing my hair.  My in-laws brought their laptop and some movies.  We brought movies, thinking we could use the tv in the room.  Bmom and I were texting back and forth and I felt great. Bear was amazing.  He is such an easy and lovely baby.  Awww he is perfection.

So then it was the last day, the day of the paperwork.  The minutes and seconds couldn't move any slower.  I just felt like it was never going to happen.  I thought we were going to be the couple with the ten failed adoptions.  I thought there was no way we were getting matched with a perfectly healthy baby.  God knew we were open to whatever He brought our way.  Then Ms P the adoption worker called to warn me they were having some doubts again.  But they still wanted her to go out.  At that point the minutes dragged to years.   5pm hit and still no news.  We tried to watch stuff on netflix but we couldn't keep our mind off of it.  We watched our phones over and over again.

We got a quick text from Ms P... the papers were signed.  He was officially our son.  I was in shock.

We cried. We kissed him over and over again.  We both wanted to scream it to everyone on the floor.  We have a son!!  Ms P came up right after she left there to do our paperwork.  After paperwork we were discharged.  It was great. We are home and the girls will be home to meet THEIR BROTHER tomorrow night after we get a good nights rest in a bed.  We facetimed them a couple of times in the hospital and they were so cute.  They kept saying his name and kissing the phone and trying to hug him.  Aww it was adorable.

So here we are now.  6 months from now will be our court date.  But we "officially" have our son.  We have two more people in our family.  We are so grateful to God for matching us with the perfect couple.

Nervous

As the day gets closer the more my nerves grow.  We are beyond excited to meet our son.  We are so blessed to have the birthparents in our lives.  They are so great.  I wonder how things will go in the hospital.

We had dinner with the bparents last night to get to know each other a little better and it was great.  Our electric went out as I was about to get in the shower.  So I couldn't blow dry my hair, but it wouldn't have mattered anyway because the rain would have ruined it.  I had to put my eye makeup on in the car.  They gave us a gift bag of the clothes they bought and have received as gifts it made me tear up. What doesn't nowadays.  They forgot the ultrasound pictures at home.  I got to feel her belly, but he wasn't kicking, that stinker.  When our waitress came over she asked if we were celebrating anything and we all looked at each other and laughed. I forget what I said but it was pretty generic. It was pretty funny and I'm sure the waitress thought we were nuts.  But we weren't going to say, Oh yes, we are celebrating the birth of our son; who's in her belly. This is a get to know you meeting. hahah They agreed not to circumcise and we are so thrilled (if you have different views, good for you. I don't want to hear them).  

During the middle of it I looked at my phone to get a picture or something.  I don't remember why, but my mom called me three times and didn't leave a message.  I excused myself from the table and called her back to find out my uncle was in the hospital.... I little back story on that.   My cousin is getting married this weekend out of state.  Nobody's family lives in the spot they are getting married.  The only person that lives there is my cousin, the bride. Not even her soon to be husband.  So when they decided to have the wedding there we were all saddened.  Most of my family couldn't make it.  I decided not to go because of the cost of the adoption and I had no idea what our family was going to look like.  I am SOO glad we decided not to go.  Anyway, my mom calls me crying, saying my uncle, the bride's father, had a brain aneurism and to start praying and email our other side of the family to pray as well.  That's basically all the info I got.  People kept calling me throughout dinner and I felt so rude getting up to take the call.  Hours later and well after dinner was over my mom called to say he was released, and they need to watch for signs.

Back to dinner.  Dinner was great and long.  I didn't realize how long it was going on until The Hubs said it looks like you won't be able to get a bear.  You see.  I had a special bear growing up as did all of my siblings.  So special we weren't allowed to play with it. haha My mom picked a special bear for all of us.  We picked a special bear (her only bear, but she is allowed to play with it) for Pumpkin and we would have for Honey, but she already had a bear.  I'm not sure if the foster parents gave it to her, or if her birth parents did, but it meant a lot that she had it before she knew us.  So that is her special bear.  It was really important to me that the bparents picked our sons bear.   I could tell him and show him pictures of how they chose that one especially for you.  We went to Build a Bear and I think they loved that. Whatever they wanted, we got for him.  We took it home and put it safely in his room.  It was about a minute before closing time and the girls working the store were so sweet and didn't pressure us to move along at all.  When I worked retail, that would not have been me.  I always closed the gate halfway at exactly 9 to tell the shoppers to get out. Unless they were spending $100+. Then stay as long as you'd like.

Of course, with all of this comes the discussion of Petunia. Our sweet baby girl.  After Petunia's GAL came over and scared the crap out of me we opened up our adoption homestudy again.  The whole thought behind this was that we more than likely wouldn't be chosen right away.  And if we were the baby wouldn't be here before Petunia's next court date.  Wrong and Wrong.   We were still fine with it. We told our agency that we needed to keep Petunia until she either went home or we would adopt her.  They were all fine with that until we were officially matched. After that, the agency sang a different tune.  They told us we would have to "get rid of Petunia".  And that is truly how I feel.  We NEVER thought we would disrupt a foster child.  We thought we would keep them to the end (at least during this point of fostering).  I STRUGGLED with this big time.  I felt like I was getting rid of her. It was awful. We contemplated what we should do.  I don't mean to toot my own horn, but if there was ever a person who could handle "twins" that person is me.  I knew without a shadow of a doubt I could do it.  But it wasn't up to me.  We had to chose. Foster or Adopt.  The Hubs and I both had many discussions and it was really really hard for us.  But we agreed that adoption is the best path for us.  I still needed validation.  My MIL was definitely on the same page as us. She agreed adoption is what we should do. But most people wouldn't help me decide.  They just said, this is hard.  A called my best foster mom friend and she flat out said, "Annie, I know you want all of these kids to be yours.  Petunia is not yours.  You need to do what's best for your family and chose adoption. They could take Petunia away at any second and then what would you do."  Bringing me back down.  She is so right.  She obviously fosters to foster. hahahah She loves her kids...most of the time. hhaha But I was so grateful for that advise.  Petunia isn't mine and what happened to Sweet Potato could definitely happen to her.  We could have had her a year or more thinking the whole time we were going to be able to adopt her because there was nobody else and then pop out of the blue comes a "family friend".   It really didn't help that I had ZERO contact with any of the county workers since I saw the GAL.  We have never met the ongoing worker. Just the investigative worker before she handed it over.  They are obviously both terrible at their jobs.  I could be a complete psycho and they would have no idea. It's devastating.  You wonder how there could be abuse while in foster homes... It's because of county workers like this.  Thankfully we aren't nuts.  Well at least in that sort of manner. hahah So anyway.  As my fears of a failed adoption were put to rest we have been setting up visits with another foster mom friend who also only fosters to adopt.  I am hoping and praying that they will call her and ask her to take Petunia.  She only lives a few minutes from us, in the millionaire part of town.  And I know I would get to see her and get updates and that I could take my girls over her house for a playdate. Besides that, I would hope someone who was in our shoes would do that same for us.  Thankfully, we don't have to "get rid of" (I hate saying that, but again. That's how I feel) Petunia until after our son is officially ours and the 72 hours are up.  If they hadn't allowed that there is no way we could have agreed to it.

We are 100000000000000000% confident with our choice now and couldn't be more excited.  This is a win win.  We get the son we've been dreaming of and the completion of our family.  We get the most amazing birth parents to share his life with. No more wondering and waiting and praying and stressing and eating. It's been three awful years and it's taken a toll on me.  Petunia gets to fulfill another woman's dream of adding another little girl to her family and completing that family.

AHHHH!!!! I can't wait to hold our sweet baby!!!!!!!!!!! I can't wait to say all of our struggles have come to an end.  Please, Please, Please Lord, let this be the end of our struggles.

Coming soon...

Welp, I'm all in.  A few days ago bmom and I started texting heavily. 

She REALLY reminds me of my sister.

As guarded as I tried to be with this adoption (which I hated), that's out the window. 

I am all in. I am so excited to hold our son. I can't wait to bring him home for good.  I know there is still a 50% chance this could fall through.  She hasn't gone through the hardest part and it's going to be especially hard on her.  

As excited as I am to know our son, I am equally as excited to have this amazing woman as part of our family. Adoption is hard, there are so many chances for heartache. But I would rather be there whole heartily for her no matter what choice she ultimately makes. 

I am in love with our son. I am in love with the birth parents. 

I really really really hope to be there for the delivery.  I doubt she will want me in the room, although I hope, but I pray she wants us physically in the hospital.  I don't care if I'm waiting in the most uncomfortable chair ever.  I don't care if I have to stand all 24+ hours.  

If something goes wrong with her, or with him, I want to be there. 

I also want to respect her space and I know I could miss signals of overstepping space. 

Bmom sent me a link to her vlogs.  I started watching them dating back a year.  The only break I took was to watch L*ve in the Wi*ld.  I really love that show, but wish they would bring back Best Friend's Forever.  Anyway, it really is such an amazing gift to be able to show our son when he's older.  "This is what your birth parents went through for you.  How lucky are you to have such an amazingly loving family."  It was really fun.  I could see so much and I feel like I lived through the pregnancy.  (I know I could never understand what a struggle they went through. But it was amazing to see).   

So that's where we are.  Our son will be here soon. We are so in love. We are so blessed.

Take... what are we up to?

What a day! 

I took the girls to Mimi's house because of our meeting today.  By the time I got back I didn't have time to paint my nails, but that's ok.  

I got crazy nervous as we were walking out of our house. 

I forgot to grab the keys on the way out. 

I locked us out of our house without any way of getting to the agency. 

I was literally going to break out a window before I realized we have a lock box for the realtors. 

I called our realtor and asked for the combo. He burst my plan by telling me it was electronic box.

We looked around our house for a spare. None were returned to the spot after they were used. 

We called a neighbor who should have an extra. They didn't answer.

The hubs was able to break the latch on a window and squeeze in.

Thank goodness! 

Needless to say, I was really nervous walking into the agency.

The Hubs spotted the bparents as we were walking in at the same time. 

They obviously recognized us because they held back and waited to go inside. 

I didn't get a good look. I only saw them with my peripheral vision.  I didn't want to stare. 

So we go into the agency and our social worker told us the bparents were walking in with us, which we thought. 

We didn't know if we were the first or the second couple to be interviewed by them. And it was nerve wracking. 

They came in and we hit it off instantly. 

They brought a list of questions to ask and we were completely honest. We didn't hold back at all.

They were either going to love us or hate us. 

I asked them if they would mind if we didn't circumcise. bdad did NOT like that.  I think I really blew his mind. haahh I said if it was a deal breaker we would do it. But I really preferred not to.  He said he was ok with it, but he was going to think on it. 

They asked us if we had a name picked out. 

I said yes. And told them I didn't know if they would like it. 

I gave them the name and based on their reaction, they didn't. hahah

They told us the name they had been calling him and we told them that we would love to use that as his middle name, if they chose us. 

We kind of left things with, "it was really nice to meet you. Thank you for the opportunity, but whatever path you chose is meant to be and we will understand if you don't chose us. "

After we left the husband said we should do something that has been my New Year's resolution for the last 3 years.  It was perfect because I knew it would completely take my mind off of things. 

We went shooting. 

I have never shot a gun and that has seriously been something I have wanted to try. 

I will NEVER be a hunter.  But I just wanted to see what it's like.

Here we are just after our meeting.  

I am anxiously awaiting the line to die down.

Super glad the hubs knew how to do this. 

The man behind the counter said he wasn't going to come in with us. 

This is why I take all the pictures and am never in them. ...Bad composition babe. 

Not too shabby for my first time shooting. 

Sure I was aiming for the X... but not too bad. There were a few pretty close ones. 

Somehow I made myself bleed. 

Look at this stud

We did about the same.  No clear winner.

As we were driving home we got a call from Ms P. I answered but my stupid phone lost the call.  I seriously hate A*&T.  I tried calling her back over and over but it wouldn't go through. 

The hubs tried on his phone. But since we have the same cell provider he couldn't get her either. 

Finally we got a signal and were able to get through. 

Our agency is small.  Very very small. Like 3 full time employees small.  (And I can't believe how amazing they are.  If you know anyone who lives in my city. They need to go through this agency) When the other social worker answered she sounded happy.  That made me feel like they chose us. 

She transfered the call to Ms P. and she is WAY harder to read. She asked how we are. I said "good but we may be great or disappointed depending on what you're about to say."  She chuckled and said, "They chose you."  I asked, "then why do you sound so apprehensive." She laughed and said it's scary,  always bringing me back to reality.  There is something similar to the last bparents we were matched with.  And I agree. It is scary. They could change their mind.  But I am still going to be excited. 

They want to meet for dinner so we can get to know each other better.  I love that. 

So there we are.  We are awaiting the arrival of our son. 

Prayers that everything goes smoothly and how God intends. 

Here we go... Again

I just got off the phone with our adoption worker.  She told me we were chosen...but so was another family.  The bparents wanted to meet both families before making their decision.   Our agency really tried to deter them of this asking if they wanted to meet the family they liked more, first.  They didn't want to do that.  They wanted us both.  So here we go, again.   I am not excited.  I hate saying that.  This time around I am very cautious and I hate being like that.  I obviously wear my heart on my sleeve and I hate being guarded.  My mentality is definitely, It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. So I really do wish I could pump myself up.  They are aware of Petunia, so they know there is a chance we will be able to adopt her, and we will if blessed to do so.

Prayers that the bparents make the best decision for them and for their baby.

Here we go...again.

The best friend ever

I LOVE my friend Heather! For some reason we never got close until recently and I am so grateful that God put her in my life. Especially now.  I couldn't ask for a more caring and considerate friend. 

I am going to share our texts from last night. 

(If I knew how to take a screen shot I would do that... but I don't)

Heather:      You feel any better
Me:             I still feel deflated.  I just want my baby boy
Heather:      You will get that boy, even if we have to raise a ton of money and get you to Africa, it will happen.
Me:             :)  I love you
Heather:     It's true. Doors keep closing because you are on a set path leading you straight to him. Going through the wrong door would take you the wrong way.
Me:            You are right. But I feel like I keep going through the wrong doors over and over again.
Heather:     I think it's because you want it so badly.  You are desperately searching for him and it inspires me.

(That last line killed me.  I am. She knew exactly what I was feeling.  I am trying to find my lost son. I am doing everything I can to bring him home to me.)

Me:           Aww. Now I'm crying
Heather:   That's the love of a mother.  Don't cry
Me:           I mean. Like crying crying. Heather, you have no idea how much you mean to me.  That may be the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Heather:   It's the truth.  All I know is that you usually have to get A LOT of no's before you get your yes.  But the only way to get your yes is to ignore the no's.  This is how I got Pete to propose. haha
(hahahah true.  They dated for a very long time before he proposed.)

It was wonderful to hear my feelings validated.  It makes me feel like less of a nut job.  I love you Heather. Thank you, sincerely, for being such an amazing friend. 

For our boy

Even though we have Petunia, (this was before her anyway) I bought some stuff for our boys room

I need more art like I need a hole in the head.  It's a problem. I admit it. 

There was our local indie craft fair.

Anyway... I bought this wooden feather a friend made. 

She hand drew every line and I love it. 

Then I saw this... I was holding two pieces of art 

One was a whale in the ocean.

The other was a brown bear in a forest with a miniature forest on his back. 

Bears are kind of my thing so I wanted that one, and the depth was amazing

And I wanted the whale because it would match our whale curtains (even though our boy room has no theme whatsoever) 

I mean, I was blocking traffic. Holding these two for a long while.  Then the artist grabbed this number.

She didn't have room to put it out and it is PERFECT! Bears, whales, and mountains. Yes, yes, yes

Can you see all of that depth?! Oh I love it. 

And these two look so well together, I think I am going to add more blue art to this wall. 

But this is by far still my favorite piece in the room.

And would you look at that, my amazing husband leveled out my crappy framing job.

Handmade stuffies. 

And if you're wondering, if we are blessed to add Petunia to our family we will 100% add an AA or biracial baby boy to our family. 

My miracle baby

The county worker just left our house and asked me where Peanut was.  I told her she left a couple of months ago.  She told me that she was on our homestudy and that they almost didn't pick us because of having another baby.... Can you believe it?! But they did pick us and I am so grateful.

Petunia is perfect and I LOVE her! She is the best baby. She is so chill, eats well, and sleeps amazingly well.  I'm holding her non-stop (unless I'm sleeping) so she can get used to me, my smells, and my voice.

Things are still looking amazingly well for us to be able to adopt her.  PRAYERS!



On another note, I am super behind on my posts, so you will see how late I am because Honey is missing a cast in all of the pictures.  By the time I get to posting pictures of her in her cast she will probably be out of it. hahahaha

WOAH!

Yesterday was CRAZY!

So after we got home from our adoption agency and a few hours later I got a call from our foster agency about a referral. I told them to go on. They said there was a brand new baby girl and her goal was adoption (99.3% of foster kids the goal is reunification).  I asked if all family had been contacted and she told me there was no one else. I said yes.  That was all the information I was given before I told her to send in our homestudy.  She started going on, and I interrupted her again and said, please just send it now.  Remember in our county we are fighting with all of the other agencies and foster families for one specific child. 30 seconds really can make all the difference in getting placed and not getting placed. So I got off the phone with her and was SO NOT expecting to get chosen. She called me back a couple of minutes later and asked if I needed to check with the hubs.  I said, "No, I am in charge of all of this and he will be happy with whatever decision I make".  Now I'm really thinking we weren't chosen since they obviously hadn't sent my homestudy yet.  An hour goes by and we didn't get a call.  Finally our agency calls me.  Usually, in the past, when we were chosen the county worker calls me directly to set up a meeting point.  When she told me we were chosen I screamed.  I really still can't believe it.  They asked me to go to the hospital to get her in a couple of hours.

My brother came over to watch the girls and I headed out.  While I was waiting I got a voicemail from my brother.  I was getting horrible reception and couldn't make anything out so I texted him.  He told me to call him.  I did and he said "Honey might have broken her arm? Does her right arm look exactly like her left arm (I was so confused by this question)? She can move her arm, so I don't think it's broken" Then the hospital social worker calls me back to the room. I said, "Randy, I have to go, but I will ask our neighbor to come over." I called our neighbor and he thankfully came straight over and said, "Dude, her arm is broken".   My brother was freaking out.  He felt HORRIBLE and was crying.  Isn't he the sweetest.  I texted the Hubs and told him to go home immediately to assess the situation.  At this point I was holding our new sweet baby, we will call Petunia.

How did this all happen,  she fell off the potty. Seriously, how hysterical.

The Hubs took her to the hospital and I brought our new baby home.  My brother stayed with Pumpkin until I got there.  Of course, we had a required class we HAD to take for our recert.  My brother had to log me in to the webinar and I got home 2 minutes before it started.  The Hubs missed it and will get written up if the instructor can't find time before July to give him a one on one class.

Honey and the Hubs got home around 10 pm :(  She will get a hard cast in about a week.

Petunia is beautiful and perfect, and such an easy baby.

Thank you for all of your prayers.  We are head over heals in love with her and would appreciate all of your prayers that she stays with us permanently and this process goes VERY fast.

At the agency

Today I went to drop off the ultrasound pictures of the baby boy, to give back to his mom. I was really anxious about walking in there. I don't know why.  I'm doing a lot better, but I still get super sad when I see a baby boy.  I have no idea when or how our baby will come to us, and it's frustrating.  Ms P said they are showing our book to a birth mom later this week.  I usually don't know when they show our book until we are picked, and I prefer it that way.  This will be the first person that will look at it since we were matched the last time. She also suggested we get on the website. I have been dragging my feet with this.  It's unnatural to talk about yourself, and I just don't know what to say.  As you can tell I don't really have a way with words.  It will be especially awkward because there won't be pictures to go along with what I'm saying.  BLAH. That's how I feel right about now.

What to do

I bought a TON of baby boy clothes that I LOVE for our potential son.  I really don't want to return them because they are so cute, but I don't want to keep a ton of clothes that we won't be using. Also, I think walking in there to return everything will be a huge emotional rush.  What would you do?

Also my sister called me today and said one of her friends MIGHT be pregnant.  Obviously if she isn't sure there is no way to hold any hope for us, but still, it did make me more hopeful of everything in general.

Lastly, we just started to do our recert for our foster license.  We have to collect everything we just did for our adoption homestudy. Another fire inspection. We just got fingerprinted. etc

Here we go...

Pumpkin started asking for Hot Dogs yesterday.  I don't know the last time she had one, but who am I to deny her. So after we dropped Honey off at school we went to our adoption agency to give them our check.  We talked with Ms P. Pumpkin made A MESS in the room with all of the toys. We cleaned, left, went to the grocery store and bought some hot dogs. Pumpkin picked up half of a pre made cake (which I would normally say no to, but allowed her to put in the basket).

Picked Honey up from school ate the hot dogs. 

We went swimming in the back yard.  Pumpkin and Holly played tag in the backyard.  

We came inside watched a tv show. Then I broke out the box of markers, paper, etc. 

The doorbell rang and I was wondering who was there. I saw a yellow top with "glitter" in it. I was wondering who came to my house wearing something so fancy. That's a big no no. I realized I recognized the top. And when I opened the door and it was Ms P.  The first thing out of my mouth was, "Is everything ok?" She said, "no".  I knew immediately. She came in and at this point I was bawling.  She told me bmom changed her mind.  Today she learned some medical things that made her want to parent.  I was/ am crushed.  Honestly, I would have made the same decision and I truly believe she made the right one. I am so sad at the loss of our son. But I really do wish them the best. The whole time Pumpkin was consoling me telling me it will be ok and not to cry.

Then Honey walked in...

She obviously opened the paint. It made me laugh.

Ms P played with the girls while I cried. Can you believe how amazing our agency is?! She told me the two people who looked at our book both chose us and that she is certain if we stick this out we will get our baby.

I know God has a plan and this baby wasn't meant to be ours. It doesn't make the loss any easier. But we will be ok.  Having gone through the emotions of a miscarriage I can say this is the exact same feeling.  We will make it. We will be ok. But this SUCKS. I am kicking myself for not saying yes to the twins. I am really so upset about that. Again, I know God has a plan.

I'm thinking we will try the adoption route one more time, then maybe go the surrogacy route again. We'll see. Who knows. 

Then two of my friends came over. Just seeing their faces made me cry. I am so grateful to have these ladies in my life.  I am blessed to have such amazing friends.  We talked about other things and not about the loss of our son.  That's what helped me more than anything else. That and when Honey came out with a face full of paint. And Pumpkin hugging me telling me it will be ok. And Honey putting her bathing suit on over her clothes and jumping back in the pool. And the hubs cleaning the house.

I am blessed and I know this. 

Thank you for your support. Can we all please pray that God delivers our son soon. (like we get a call tomorrow).

Respite baby

We watched this baby when we still had Peanut. And I LOVE her. She is the happiest/ smiliest baby and she gives me crazy baby fever.  I could hold her all day.  We've had her  a couple of days and Honey is in  heaven. She is pushing her around all over the place and kissing her constantly.  

She is ready for her brother to get here.

On that note. Bmom told me that the dr said if she remains unchanged next week he is going to "intervene"! 

I am seriously hoping that is the case.  All of this waiting and wondering is getting to me.

Lastly, our foster agency called me on a sibling set of three. I hate saying no.  They weren't anything we would normally consider (ie not legal risk) but I still hate saying no. 

Wishing and waiting

We are still waiting on progress from bmom. She's still on hospital rest, but unless anything else comes up (ie fever, elevated blood pressure, drop in our son's heart rate) they will not induce. It can be a few hours from now or a few weeks from now. It's just a waiting game.  I feel awful for bmom and if there was a way I could take her place I would. We both want this part of things to be over. I can't imagine all of the thoughts going through her mind. Although it's been wonderful to get to know them better. And, I got to feel our son kick!!!   That was amazing and I immediately started crying.   :/  Prayers for a quick uncomplicated delivery are much appreciated.

Not really an update

Nothing has really changed since my last post. We are still waiting minute to minute, day to day. I know being stuck in the hospital is making it really hard on bmom. We are just asking for your prayers, that he comes soon, like now, and that everything goes smoothly.

Coming soon

I was going to our agency to drop off some money when I got a call from Ms P. I let her know I was on my way in, so she just said she would talk to me when I got there. When I got there she told me to sit down, which is never good. She said Bmom's water broke. I started screaming with excitement and fear. She said she would let me know if I should come down to the hospital.  My amazing MIL left work and came over to watch the girls. It was a late day for The Hubs and luckily he hadn't left for work. As soon as my MIL walked in we were out to go to the hospital.  It was very uneventful.  I feel awful for Bmom. She is now unable to leave the hospital until she gives birth. We were told it could be today of a week from today. We are praying that he doesn't come until at least Sunday.  I am the Matron of Honor in my best friend's wedding and The Hubs is a groomsman.  It would really really suck if we couldn't go. Obviously whenever he wants to come is when he will come.   Honey also gave the idea to name him Easter Egg! I don't think we will use that, so it's up for grabs. I can't believe this is all happening so fast! MUCH sooner than we thought it would. 

I can't say how much I love the birth parents.  Bmom texted me and told me how happy she and Bdad are that they found us.  Isn't that amazing!  I wish I could stay at the hospital with them. I know they need space right now and are going through a lot of emotions.  I can't even begin to understand what they are feeling. They are really excited for the relationship we will have. 

So, darling son, please wait until Sunday. Or at least Saturday after 10pm.  I love you and can't wait to hold you in my arms. We will see you soon. I love you. 

THE Meeting

I don't think I will be able to express how I was feeling yesterday.  I was insanely nervous. I was shaking.  I was a disaster. We got to the agency about 30 minutes early.  We sat in the car for about 10 minutes and then walked in. We asked the social worker more questions. And then we saw them get out of the car. My  mind was going crazy. Will they like me? Will they think I'm annoying? Will they find me suitable to raise their child?

They walked in and b mom hugged me. I think I said out loud, "Oh good!" ahhaha  B dad shook my hand. Both shook The hubs.  It was little bit awkward at first. They know so much about us, but we know nothing about them.  At the same time, this meeting was about getting to know us, not the other way around so I wanted them to ask any questions they had.  Right off the bat they asked if we wanted to know what we are having.  The plan was to hand us an envelope at the end of the meeting. But Bdad already found out, which was the whole reason she was giving us the envelope.  I told her that the idea of the envelope was the sweetest idea and I told all my friends and family about it.  We opened it there and the ultrasound pictures were in there and I knew right away it was a boy. I started crying immediately.  The card should have given it away. It was blue and green, but it didn't.   They were so relieved that we were excited.  They thought we wanted a girl.

We talked about how both she and I thought she was having a girl.  The social worker said we should tell them the story of how we came to adopt. The Hubs stepped up and told them.  She started freaking out about my story. We assured her what happened to me was a 1 in a million chance.  She told me that she and Bdad looked at profiles independently and both chose us without having a discussion first. I loved that.  I love that they were both called to our book.  Like I said they were really excited because our personalities fit theirs and that was the #1 reason they picked us. They were also really excited that we had Honey.  I was really nervous to ask, but knew I had to get it out of the way. I told them we would really prefer not to circumcise.  I was afraid of their reaction. They were amazing. Without hesitation they both said that was no problem. They said he, our son, would appreciate that. ahha Bmom talked about how excited she was to give us this gift. And she knows she had him to be our son.  That was a HUGE relief. I mean, how amazing is she.  I love them both so much.  They asked if the girls knew. I told her we didn't tell them because we didn't want to have to explain that the baby wasn't coming anymore if they changed their mind.  They both said, tell them.  In their mind they are 100% set on adoption.  I only have 3% hesitation that they could change their mind after the birth.  After talking about that I asked if they would mind if I was in the delivery room. Again, without hesitation, they both said absolutely.  If she has to have a c-section only one person is allowed in. So that is to be determined.

I can't stress enough how much I love them.  Everything just clicked. I asked them what their favorites are. And what their childhood was like.  Different things. We kept asking if they had any questions for us, and for the most part they didn't. They told us that they were really happy we had dogs.

We will be planning another meeting where she can meet the girls. Ms P brought that up and we are all really excited to see each other again.  Maybe our son will be kicking then.

SO HAPPY

He's a BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! More tomorrow