Here we go...

Pumpkin started asking for Hot Dogs yesterday.  I don't know the last time she had one, but who am I to deny her. So after we dropped Honey off at school we went to our adoption agency to give them our check.  We talked with Ms P. Pumpkin made A MESS in the room with all of the toys. We cleaned, left, went to the grocery store and bought some hot dogs. Pumpkin picked up half of a pre made cake (which I would normally say no to, but allowed her to put in the basket).

Picked Honey up from school ate the hot dogs. 

We went swimming in the back yard.  Pumpkin and Holly played tag in the backyard.  

We came inside watched a tv show. Then I broke out the box of markers, paper, etc. 

The doorbell rang and I was wondering who was there. I saw a yellow top with "glitter" in it. I was wondering who came to my house wearing something so fancy. That's a big no no. I realized I recognized the top. And when I opened the door and it was Ms P.  The first thing out of my mouth was, "Is everything ok?" She said, "no".  I knew immediately. She came in and at this point I was bawling.  She told me bmom changed her mind.  Today she learned some medical things that made her want to parent.  I was/ am crushed.  Honestly, I would have made the same decision and I truly believe she made the right one. I am so sad at the loss of our son. But I really do wish them the best. The whole time Pumpkin was consoling me telling me it will be ok and not to cry.

Then Honey walked in...

She obviously opened the paint. It made me laugh.

Ms P played with the girls while I cried. Can you believe how amazing our agency is?! She told me the two people who looked at our book both chose us and that she is certain if we stick this out we will get our baby.

I know God has a plan and this baby wasn't meant to be ours. It doesn't make the loss any easier. But we will be ok.  Having gone through the emotions of a miscarriage I can say this is the exact same feeling.  We will make it. We will be ok. But this SUCKS. I am kicking myself for not saying yes to the twins. I am really so upset about that. Again, I know God has a plan.

I'm thinking we will try the adoption route one more time, then maybe go the surrogacy route again. We'll see. Who knows. 

Then two of my friends came over. Just seeing their faces made me cry. I am so grateful to have these ladies in my life.  I am blessed to have such amazing friends.  We talked about other things and not about the loss of our son.  That's what helped me more than anything else. That and when Honey came out with a face full of paint. And Pumpkin hugging me telling me it will be ok. And Honey putting her bathing suit on over her clothes and jumping back in the pool. And the hubs cleaning the house.

I am blessed and I know this. 

Thank you for your support. Can we all please pray that God delivers our son soon. (like we get a call tomorrow).

too cool

My high school consisted of a lot of concerts and hanging out with the kids in our local art college.

Obviously unable to fit in all of my super cool t-shirts they have been passed down to the girls.  And they LOVE them.  To them, they are "pretty dresses" You can listen to them here. It took my best friend and me years to realize this song was about smoking. hahah That's how naive we were. ahha

We saw Hot Rod Circuit many many times. And it makes me so happy that my sweet baby girls look so adorable in some of momma's fondest memories. 

Respite baby

We watched this baby when we still had Peanut. And I LOVE her. She is the happiest/ smiliest baby and she gives me crazy baby fever.  I could hold her all day.  We've had her  a couple of days and Honey is in  heaven. She is pushing her around all over the place and kissing her constantly.  

She is ready for her brother to get here.

On that note. Bmom told me that the dr said if she remains unchanged next week he is going to "intervene"! 

I am seriously hoping that is the case.  All of this waiting and wondering is getting to me.

Lastly, our foster agency called me on a sibling set of three. I hate saying no.  They weren't anything we would normally consider (ie not legal risk) but I still hate saying no. 

A day of fun part 2

After our hike we went to help arrange my friend's center pieces for her wedding. 

Cathy, in the lavender, is totally me in 20 years. I LOVE her! 

Her house was filled with amazing toys for the girls to play with. Her garden is wonderful. Her house is  kind of my dream. And she makes these beautiful garden ornaments.  I will be purchasing a few.

The girls love Heather.  She will be starting the process for an Ethiopian adoption of siblings very soon. I can't wait to meet her new babies. She is going to be an amazing momma. If she blogs about her adoption process I will share the link.

Didn't these terrariums turn out so cute. 

This was mine (I kept my eye on it all night to make sure nobody tried to take it home with them)

Snow storm. hahahah

I should have taken a picture of all of the amazing toys she had.  Barely any electronic ones. Thank you. I can't stand them.  She had a ton of hand puppets, dress up, really everything.

Pumpkin wanted to get the party started. That means the pants come off. 

Honey was so cute with that stuffed boy. She dragged him all over. 

A day of fun part 1

We started the day with a hike. This will be the first of many. The girls did pretty well, but wouldn't listen to me when I told them not to touch the poison ivy.

Pumpkin was really into collecting sticks.  She's just like her momma. She inspects everything and has many collections. 

Honey wanted to get in on the stick action.

Afterwards we went to the playground to let them run around. 

These pictures melt my heart. And I am SOO grateful to have my girls. I can't imagine Pumpkin not having a sibling to do this with. 

 I think this is my new favorite picture.

Thank you God for giving us these two sweet girls. I am so happy we have Honey and Pumpkin in our lives. More importantly, I am grateful they will always have each other.  I hope You see it fit to add a handsome little man into our lives. 

Debating

Debating on whether to share this or not.  Like I've said before the reason for this blog is so anyone considering fostering or adoption can see what we went through, and I can go back and remember our journey.

Anyway, yesterday was the first day I got the impression bmom could change her mind and decide to parent.  They have always been so on board with adoption, but I think being stuck in the hospital is really getting to her.  She has nothing to do except think of the baby.  She is still calling him by the name we chose and still thinking she wants to place him.  I'm just getting a different vibe.  This is torture. It's not that bmom and bdad are unable to parent.  They would do a great job.  I just hate being stuck in limbo.  I have fallen in love with our unborn son and the bparents. I just wish I knew.  I will be devastated if we aren't placed with the baby and I said no to the twins. If we weren't matched I would have definitely said yes to the boys.  I know it all happens for a reason.  I just want her to have him so we know what she decides.  I am giving her space and I won't text or visit her unless she specifically asks me to.

Prayers, as always,  would be much appreciated.

Date night

We have been pretty bad about taking the kids out with both the hubs and me. They get lots of one on one with one parent, but it's been pretty crazy in our household. This is not something I want to give up on though. 

We took Pumpkin to see the L*rax. It was ok. Probably not a movie we would buy and watch over and over again. There were a few language issues. 

 Do not name that city.

I just got out of the shower. 

Ice cream and sprinkles. This girl was in heaven.  Plus she got to stay up way past her bedtime. 

She makes me laugh all the time. 

Next up, Honey.  The circus already rolled through, so I have to figure something out for her. She's tricky because she doesn't have one particular interest.