Nervous

As the day gets closer the more my nerves grow.  We are beyond excited to meet our son.  We are so blessed to have the birthparents in our lives.  They are so great.  I wonder how things will go in the hospital.

We had dinner with the bparents last night to get to know each other a little better and it was great.  Our electric went out as I was about to get in the shower.  So I couldn't blow dry my hair, but it wouldn't have mattered anyway because the rain would have ruined it.  I had to put my eye makeup on in the car.  They gave us a gift bag of the clothes they bought and have received as gifts it made me tear up. What doesn't nowadays.  They forgot the ultrasound pictures at home.  I got to feel her belly, but he wasn't kicking, that stinker.  When our waitress came over she asked if we were celebrating anything and we all looked at each other and laughed. I forget what I said but it was pretty generic. It was pretty funny and I'm sure the waitress thought we were nuts.  But we weren't going to say, Oh yes, we are celebrating the birth of our son; who's in her belly. This is a get to know you meeting. hahah They agreed not to circumcise and we are so thrilled (if you have different views, good for you. I don't want to hear them).  

During the middle of it I looked at my phone to get a picture or something.  I don't remember why, but my mom called me three times and didn't leave a message.  I excused myself from the table and called her back to find out my uncle was in the hospital.... I little back story on that.   My cousin is getting married this weekend out of state.  Nobody's family lives in the spot they are getting married.  The only person that lives there is my cousin, the bride. Not even her soon to be husband.  So when they decided to have the wedding there we were all saddened.  Most of my family couldn't make it.  I decided not to go because of the cost of the adoption and I had no idea what our family was going to look like.  I am SOO glad we decided not to go.  Anyway, my mom calls me crying, saying my uncle, the bride's father, had a brain aneurism and to start praying and email our other side of the family to pray as well.  That's basically all the info I got.  People kept calling me throughout dinner and I felt so rude getting up to take the call.  Hours later and well after dinner was over my mom called to say he was released, and they need to watch for signs.

Back to dinner.  Dinner was great and long.  I didn't realize how long it was going on until The Hubs said it looks like you won't be able to get a bear.  You see.  I had a special bear growing up as did all of my siblings.  So special we weren't allowed to play with it. haha My mom picked a special bear for all of us.  We picked a special bear (her only bear, but she is allowed to play with it) for Pumpkin and we would have for Honey, but she already had a bear.  I'm not sure if the foster parents gave it to her, or if her birth parents did, but it meant a lot that she had it before she knew us.  So that is her special bear.  It was really important to me that the bparents picked our sons bear.   I could tell him and show him pictures of how they chose that one especially for you.  We went to Build a Bear and I think they loved that. Whatever they wanted, we got for him.  We took it home and put it safely in his room.  It was about a minute before closing time and the girls working the store were so sweet and didn't pressure us to move along at all.  When I worked retail, that would not have been me.  I always closed the gate halfway at exactly 9 to tell the shoppers to get out. Unless they were spending $100+. Then stay as long as you'd like.

Of course, with all of this comes the discussion of Petunia. Our sweet baby girl.  After Petunia's GAL came over and scared the crap out of me we opened up our adoption homestudy again.  The whole thought behind this was that we more than likely wouldn't be chosen right away.  And if we were the baby wouldn't be here before Petunia's next court date.  Wrong and Wrong.   We were still fine with it. We told our agency that we needed to keep Petunia until she either went home or we would adopt her.  They were all fine with that until we were officially matched. After that, the agency sang a different tune.  They told us we would have to "get rid of Petunia".  And that is truly how I feel.  We NEVER thought we would disrupt a foster child.  We thought we would keep them to the end (at least during this point of fostering).  I STRUGGLED with this big time.  I felt like I was getting rid of her. It was awful. We contemplated what we should do.  I don't mean to toot my own horn, but if there was ever a person who could handle "twins" that person is me.  I knew without a shadow of a doubt I could do it.  But it wasn't up to me.  We had to chose. Foster or Adopt.  The Hubs and I both had many discussions and it was really really hard for us.  But we agreed that adoption is the best path for us.  I still needed validation.  My MIL was definitely on the same page as us. She agreed adoption is what we should do. But most people wouldn't help me decide.  They just said, this is hard.  A called my best foster mom friend and she flat out said, "Annie, I know you want all of these kids to be yours.  Petunia is not yours.  You need to do what's best for your family and chose adoption. They could take Petunia away at any second and then what would you do."  Bringing me back down.  She is so right.  She obviously fosters to foster. hahahah She loves her kids...most of the time. hhaha But I was so grateful for that advise.  Petunia isn't mine and what happened to Sweet Potato could definitely happen to her.  We could have had her a year or more thinking the whole time we were going to be able to adopt her because there was nobody else and then pop out of the blue comes a "family friend".   It really didn't help that I had ZERO contact with any of the county workers since I saw the GAL.  We have never met the ongoing worker. Just the investigative worker before she handed it over.  They are obviously both terrible at their jobs.  I could be a complete psycho and they would have no idea. It's devastating.  You wonder how there could be abuse while in foster homes... It's because of county workers like this.  Thankfully we aren't nuts.  Well at least in that sort of manner. hahah So anyway.  As my fears of a failed adoption were put to rest we have been setting up visits with another foster mom friend who also only fosters to adopt.  I am hoping and praying that they will call her and ask her to take Petunia.  She only lives a few minutes from us, in the millionaire part of town.  And I know I would get to see her and get updates and that I could take my girls over her house for a playdate. Besides that, I would hope someone who was in our shoes would do that same for us.  Thankfully, we don't have to "get rid of" (I hate saying that, but again. That's how I feel) Petunia until after our son is officially ours and the 72 hours are up.  If they hadn't allowed that there is no way we could have agreed to it.

We are 100000000000000000% confident with our choice now and couldn't be more excited.  This is a win win.  We get the son we've been dreaming of and the completion of our family.  We get the most amazing birth parents to share his life with. No more wondering and waiting and praying and stressing and eating. It's been three awful years and it's taken a toll on me.  Petunia gets to fulfill another woman's dream of adding another little girl to her family and completing that family.

AHHHH!!!! I can't wait to hold our sweet baby!!!!!!!!!!! I can't wait to say all of our struggles have come to an end.  Please, Please, Please Lord, let this be the end of our struggles.