Sweet Potato

S.P. turned 2 and on his birthday I was great.  Not a tear was shed. I was grateful for my son, grateful for the family I have now.  Then the rest of the week rolled through.  I was a MESS.  Crying uncontrollably, overly emotional (if you think that's a thing).  Just depressed.  It took me being by myself, on the way to meet my girlfriends for a movie, when a Metric song came on.  Instantly I was ugly crying.  It wasn't until half way through the song I realized I have been so out of sorts because of S.P. and how much I miss him.  I've been longing to know how he's doing.  I just want a little update.  How is he talking? Is he being well cared for? How big is he now?  That's it, but I know that's not my reality.  I know there will never be contact there.  I think of him, still, every day.  I think about driving past his new mom's house to try and catch a glimpse.  But I never do.  I know that's not healthy for me, and I just need more time to grieve. It's crazy that he's been gone for a year now.  My first son.  I miss you. I love you, and I'm going to try to let you go.