False hope

There was a glimmer of hope for us and our darling Sweet Potato. But that hope has been crushed today. It really is devastating. I really do love fostering. And I really am happy that we can help and I would really love to do it for a very long time. But I would love a Christmas miracle to be added to our family. I feel like if I just had one more child I wouldn't be so stressed about missing "the" call. I would take life day by day and I wouldn't be obsessed with adoption. I just don't know what to do and it is so hard to have NO control over your life and potential children. Typical foster parents are finished having biological kids and just want to help out... or are in it for money (unfortunate but true). I think that would relieve so much stress, to not worry about building your family.

Please God. At least just one more, preferably a boy haaaah, to become a permanent member.

I am really afraid that we won't be able to use our surrogate or we do ivf and she won't be able to carry the baby(ies) because it is such an unnatural process. I am afraid that we will spend money that could have gone towards a private adoption that we would lose and then not be able to go that route. I am afraid that if we went through it privately nobody would chose us because we are fortunate enough to have 2 children already. I am afraid that if we went through Ethiopia the process would take 5 years or it would shut down all together. I put my faith in you God, but man, this is hard.