scatterbrained post on adoption

When you look into adoption you become desperate (just from my experience, this may not pertain to you). Your fate is in the hands of a stranger.  You MUST have faith in God.  It's hard.  My biggest struggle is to know if you are on the right path.  Heather was so sweet when we were struggling and told me God is so happy you keep saying YES.  Does that make me insane, or just that trusting in Him?  I don't know.  I wanted 5 kids. We settled on 4.  I didn't want 1 and I hoped for more than 2.  I didn't let the fact that not being able to carry a child prevent me from having children.

 I can look back on my life and see that this is what God prepared me for.  I only knew one transracial family growing up.  They had adopted like 6 AA boys, 1 AA girl, and 1 Caucasian boy (they have since adopted two children from Asia).  One day walking home from school I witnessed the most racist thing I had ever seen.  These kids were the only black kids in the entire school and one of the little boys was asked to go over his friends house.  When they got to his friend's home his mom would NOT let him in.  I don't know how long I sat there staring.  But I was there when his mom came to pick him up.  He couldn't have been more than 7.  I was probably 11.  My heart broke for this little boy who only wanted to play with his friend.  
When I was in highschool I would read the adoptive parent listing hoping someone would chose them to parent.  I used to "pick" which family I would give my totally hypothetical child (I was a virgin and had no plans on not being one).  
I loved every child (and still do).  I fall hard and fast for babies.  When I say, "your baby is the most beautiful little nugget" I mean it.  It is totally sincere and in that moment I fell in love with your baby.
I did a lot of volunteer work in highschool with children with down syndrome. Special adult dances, Adaptive Aquatics.
Also, in highschool I became OBSESSED with biracial babies.  I thought there was nothing more beautiful than a biracial baby/ child/ person.  I have never dated a black man, and this is a sad truth, when I knew I was going to marry The Hubs I was disappointed that my dream of having a biracial baby would never come to fruition.  I know how insane that is.  But the truth is, all of this prepared me for the life I was going to have.

Now my crazy baby fever has totally subsided, but when people find out you want to adopt all of a sudden these babies just pop up out of the woodwork.  I can't even remember how many people have told me about a birthmom, or about a child who needs an adoptive home.  Of course, I take every lead head on.  Who knows if anything would come of it, 99% of the time it's pretty much a dead end.  Someone wishes their daughter would place her child, or they are already in fostercare.  But you have to have faith that maybe at some point there is a possibility that maybe that could be your little one.

Right now I am struggling.  I don't know where the money will come from for our last kid.  I have to have faith. I know He has someone special for me. But dag, it is hard.  I do not want Honey to be the only black kid in our house.  I know He has a plan.  I would just love for Him to share it with me.  My dream family will happen.  We will have 4. And I can't wait to be done with all of this waiting, guessing, and struggling.